Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
