would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
