Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
