I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
How does one acquire holy water?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
