The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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