so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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