Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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