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you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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