Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
