I am in a vortex of obligation.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
