i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Are my feet made of real feet?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
