I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
