There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
