I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
