Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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