i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize