Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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