member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize