There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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