Too much gin, very little bucket
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize