So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
