That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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