What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
