every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize