and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
