I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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