When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
