there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
