Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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