i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
