just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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