Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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