I feel great
I just peed on a car
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
