my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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