I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
