she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
