my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
