I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
