Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
