she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
