So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
