I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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