you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Damn victory sex feels great
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
