I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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