Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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