one word: firstdatebathroomanal
farters have to be the big spoon...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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