my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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