Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
