I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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