dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I faked an abortion last night.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
