We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
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