please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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