the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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