Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
