The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
