I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
