too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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