I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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