I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
